Hey guys! I really didn't want to write this post so soon because I was thinking since I cried so much during camp, like almost everyday, I don't want to make myself cry while I mug for blocks D:
But then, yanperng asked those on the Whatsapp group to read Jingle's blogpost and then I started crying over my SnS revision package (as in literally haha). I still have tears in my eyes right now and I wanted to go text Jingle and tell her how much she means to me but then I realized that wouldn't be fair to you guys. And the fact that her phone is still spoilt haha.
Anw that's not the point. The point is that I really want you guys to know how I feel about everyone of you and how much you guys mean to me. I'm torn between saying 'I love you' everyday to you guys so everyone remembers that in their JC life, there was a crazy Spartan girl who really loved them so and between the fact that if I say it too often, it becomes fake and obligatory. I don't want that to happen really.
Life to me seems to be filled with so much of me wanting it not to happen and it happening now. I didn't want YL to happen because it heralds the ending of our term and then once YL approached, I didn't want it to end because even as much as I didn't want the trainees to intrude on our special time together, I didn't want the feeling of knowing another event has just crept up on us and then left us again. We're already approaching the end of our term guys, and I don't want it to end. I just want time to come to a standstill and we'll always be Spartans, forever 17, forever together.
Going through YL again has brought back a lot of little memories that I thought I forgotten. From the first time I went for precamp and did the bonding games with Comanches (actl maybe everything was fated from then right?) and then having my super weird first chat with Weiliang about my craving for tauhuey and pudding on Saturday, then towards the tough mega hard precamp and my ponning the pre-camps even though I wasn't even that sick to begin with. And then the whole of YL. From roll call to dorm check where I felt super pissed to recre1 where I can still up till now remember Jiaxi's and Cailing's crying face and how I wanted to go home. At the point in time, I really questioned myself, was going through all this to get into OAC worth it?
That question stuck with me throughout the whole of YL and time slowly passed, even though slow but surely, enduringly passing. To recre2 where, again, I pulled out of dongnanxibei early because I didn't think I could do it. This has always been a point of guilt to me and I have never ever dared to tell you guys about it because I didn't want you guys to think of me like how we thought of our trainees during YL but as a family, we should be honest with each other right? I'm so sorry guys and if I had a chance to redo it, I will definitely do with the girls but then again, it has already passed and maybe these are empty words but I really do mean them now.
And then we went over to the guys dorm and I felt even worse because the guys have been putting in even more effort and me? I didn't even push myself to my limit, only to what I thought was my limit. The heat, the fogged glass, the slippery floor, the smell, that has never ever left my mind and still remains one of the most impressionable memories of YL. I think because of that scene, with all the senses intact has been one of my major pushing factor for the rest of the camp and from then onwards. Guys (and girls), really, you are my source of inspiration and I really do love you guys for being my support and my pillar of strength. I know it sounds damn corny and everything but believe me that it's really my heartfelt words okay?
Because of that scene juxtaposed against what we saw of our juniors this year, just like Jingle, I finally understood and appreciated the presence of every single guy in OAC and how much you guys will always be there and be my brothers. I can feel in my heart how you guys will go any lengths for each and every one of us, and we, as girls, will do the same for you too.
Oh I almost forgot our last pioneering session. Our pioneering session really showed how much we've grown hasn't it? Our knowledge of knots and lashings has grown by leaps and bounds and our cooperation with each other is flawless and beautiful. As much as I didn't want that to become our last pioneering session, I think it's still a beautiful memory to have whenever we think back to our last pioneering session and for that? I couldn't be much happier.
And then came the meaningless next few days mostly aimed at exposing us to OAC activities and bonding the group. Oh there was also hotseat and I think that, even maybe just for Nava only, it was our first time being upfront and honest with each other and I'm glad that even up till now, we have been like that all the way, every single time. And of course, campfire.
Our own campfire has been one really important milestone for me because it really seemed to mark the end of our OAC term. Our last roll call. Our last time putting on our caps and scarves. Why is it that there's so many last time for us? I don't want it to be our last time. And it was then that how much we've grown together as a batch, as Spartans, was firmly impressed on me.
And then mroc. Our 75 pushups, hard and tough, but perhaps our last official grueling thing to do. Those 75 pushups represented to me all the trials and tribulations we went through during our whole term, the frustrations we had with one another, the frustrations of having OAC take up so much of our time, the frustrations of not being able to do things well and being unable to meet our senior's expectations of us, the frustration of everything seemingly against our way. Everything seemed to be translated in that 75 pushups and in the end, the satisfaction we gained in the end paralleled what I feel whenever I think back on our term. I don't think I was the only one who cried at the end of those pushups and I don't think I was the only one who felt so strongly about each other and Zhanteng's words of love probably represented everything everyone wanted to tell everyone. I love you is so simple but it really shows what we mean to each other you know?
I think I really can't put anything more into words and I don't want to flood the blog with all my memories of you guys over the past year. Small memories but huge emotions and I think I've alrd teared enough writing this post and during the whole of YL. Little by little, memories are coming back and I just hope that 10 or 20 years down the road I can still remember them with much clarity.
I still want you guys to be with me years and years on, but time has this really annoying habit of creeping up on us and then pulling away. Maybe by then we aren't even in contact with each other anymore, but I think I'll still be lovig you guys somewhere, somehow. I don't want to make promises that we'll always be there for each other but to know that you guys have left such a searing memory in the book of my life and hopefully vice versa, I guess that's going to be enough for me. But of course being said, I still hope we'll be there to grow old with each other too!
Haha I guess you guys are probably sick of reading all the way to this point of my post so I shall end and hopefully continue picking up where I left of for SnS. Just wanted to leave a few lyrics of our favorite 红蜻蜓 for everyone:
我们都已经长大, 还有梦还要飞, 就像现在心目中红色的蜻蜓
You guys will always be my 红蜻蜓s, there to spur me on and for me to fondly remember years and years later on.
Love, 秀璇 Sherbelle
